how to start again?
by mamika
Summary: don't know about the genre. kurogane and fai struggle with life, and maybe together they can stand up against it, and actually have something nice. maybe. or then not. could or could not be continued. kurofai some time later. possibly
1. Chapter 1

It's really short. and I don't even think I shoudl publish it, but I guess even this deserves a change. if it's not liked, it will be removed.

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How to start again?

The last thing he recalled was sitting in his car and seeing that the light had turned green, he had pressed the gas. So how was he now laying in a bed, feeling all numb.

"I see you have finally woken up. How are you feeling?" he grunted. He felt dizzy, but he still tried to sit up. "No, don't get up. You have suffered a blow to your head, so you may feel a bit disoriented, plus the pain medication you are on. It's better if you just rest calmly". He frowned and turned his head to look at the doctor. It was some guy with long black hairs and empty eyes, having a serene aura.

"Who are you?" the guy smiled softly

"I'm your doctor. You can call me Ashura if you want to". He snorted.

"So doc, what the heck am I doing here?". There was a brief shadow crossing over the doctors face.

"Don't you remember what happened?" he was silent for a moment, prying his memory to reveal something, but nothing came up.

"Just that I was in a car. What happened?" he asked again, glaring the guy who with held information. The doctor sighed.

"So you have slight amnesia. But that is normal after incidents like this." he was getting pissed, what the heck was the doc's problem

"Just spit out what's going on"

"Fine. You were in an intersection, when a motorcycle hit you." it felt like the room temperature dropped. A flash returned to him. There was a screeching sound, he could see movement in the corner of his eyes, but it was too late for him to do anything. Then there was even louder bang, pain as sharp and white as laser, and then nothing.

"What happened to the driver?" the doctor was silent a long time.

"He wasn't as lucky as you..." he lowered his gaze down. But then anger lifted it's head.

"What was he thinking, he must have drove against red light!" the doctor sighed.

"You are right. But he had reasons."

"What do you mean?"

"His brother is another patient of me. He was injured, and he drove like that because he was hurrying to see his brother."

It hurt. The pain emitted throughout his body, feeling like something would be clawing and tearing him apart from inside. He tried to curl up, and only then did he realize his hand wasn't working. For a moment, it pushed the pain away

"The hell...what is.." the pain returned, and he also felt panic rising inside him "my hand...My hand!" desperately he tried to get it moving, but nothing happened. Tears pricked his eyes and he tried to get up, he needed to get out, if he could get out of here, he would surely wake up and find he was safely home, and all this was just a bad dream. There was a hand on his shoulder, trying to press him down, he swung his hand wildly, hitting something and hearing a grunt, the some yelling. Then the hands were back, holding him still. "Let go! Let me go" he did everything he could do get free, hearing footsteps and knew there would be more people trying to keep him here. "I don't want to..." there was something pressed to his skin, he could barely feel it through the pain he was in, but after a short moment, the pain started to fade away. Involuntarily his muscles started to relax and he was slowly placed back against his pillows.

"This can't be..." he mumbled before the darkness enveloped him and he could escape all that had happened for a little while, before he would have to face it all and learn to live with it.

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bad I know. reviewing is really the only way this will _ever _continue. honestly, I am hoping it is not liked, so I never have to write more. because I fear I will see something I rather leave untouched.


	2. Chapter 2

you asked for more. so I will write it more, once you realize this ain't worth it and beg me to stop. still I hope you like it, sorry about teh chaps being so very short. thanks for liking the first chap.

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Second

He woke up. He heard a steady peeping and saw a white ceiling. He didn't want to move, because he knew he didn't want to remember just yet what had happened.

"Oh, so you are awake again? Feeling better than last time?". He turned his head to the doctor and glared at him

"Thanks a lot" he muttered poisonously. Of course, now he could recall it all. His hand was paralyzed, all thanks to some moron who couldn't follow traffic rules. The doctor dismissed his tone and smiled

"You are welcome. Now, if you don't mind, I will do a check up to make sure there ain't something wrong we have missed so far." the doctor came to him without waiting a response. He caught the doctors hand. He didn't know why, but it felt like he had to know

"The only way I let you do it is that you tell me what has happened to the brother who is in hospital". The doctor frowned

"You mean the brother of the one who collided with you?" he nodded

"Yeah. I want to know why I really ended up here" the doctor sighed

"You know, it is not my business and illegal actually to talk about patients with non-relatives?"

"I won't tell anyone" the doctor stared at him for a moment.

"I know I should not do this, but okay, you got a deal". He let go of the doctors hand and the doctor started checking him out.

"What do you want to know?" he shrugged

"What is wrong with him? Why was the guy in such a hurry?

"He...he was in an accident." he glared "and that is not for me to tell, but anyway, he was in a bad shape, having lost a lot of blood and going to a surgery. It wasn't certain that it would save him.". He thought about it a moment, then nodded

"Makes sense.." the doctor looked at him, and nodded back.

"Yes. He was hurrying to see him alive" a moment of silence

"How is the guy? Did the surgery help?" the doctor smiled sadly.

"It saved his life. But for him, nothing will be the same." the doctor collected the equipments and was about to leave the room when he asked one last question.

"To where was he hurt?" the doctor stopped looking at him seriously

"To face. His eye was coughed out. He nearly died of the shock and blood loss. He is still unconscious" then the doctor left, and he was left alone with the heart rate monitors voice and the sound of his own breathing. He leaned down to his pillows, then tried to lift his hands above his head. His right hand moved just normally, feeling a bit sore like most of his body thanks to the accident. But the left one didn't react at all. Not like it was surprise anymore, after all, the doctor had just poked ti with needles to check if it hand any feel to it, and moved it around. He turned his head to look at his hand. It didn't look any different. He sighed and laid the other hand over his eyes. He had always known life wasn't fair. Ever since he had lost his parents. But this still hurt. He couldn't really blame the fellow that had caused this, because he would have gone full speed too if he would have had a family member in hospital just about to die. He would have broken rules and trusted that luck would keep in unharmed. Not like world would be so cruel to burden one with every possible downfalls at once, right? He draw in a ragged breath. He knew better. Life was not fair. If it were, he could beat someone for causing him this. But for that, he would need to have both hands. He refused to let a single tears spill, but neither could he shake the bad feeling away. He wanted someone to blame, and some reason to get up again. His whole life had turned upside down again, he should re-plan his whole future from a scratch, not like he could be whatever he wanted with one working hand. He bit his lip until blood spilled

"Mom, dad, I will be strong" he muttered, more to ensure himself than because he thought someone was there to listen.

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hm, bad you say? I agree. you know what to do if you still want to read more.


	3. Chapter 3

I know, ridiculously short. but hey, I am writing at least. and seems like things are just getting started.

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He opened his eyes. He had been in the hospital few days, and he was sick of it. There was no progress whatsoever to his hand and he wanted to be alone, not feeling some nurse or doctor staring him, trying to help him, saying they understood it was hard in him. He snorted. The hell they understood, they had both of their hands working, and they didn't need to rethink their whole life. He couldn't become a guard like he had wanted to, and he neither could drive a car anymore. At least unless he got some super fancy and freaking expensive car that was custom made to his situation. And without a job, how the hell would he get the money.

His thoughts were interrupted when he felt eyes on him. Instantly he turned his head to the door, already glaring at whoever dared to bother him. His brow furrowed deeper, but the glare softened a little. It wasn't a nurse or doc, it was a guy, probably his age, but it was hard to tell, since there was a huge bandage on his face, covering one of his eyes. He frowned, who the hell was that slim blond guy? But when the guy noticed he was staring back, the guy looked pained and turned away, and hurried out of sight.

"Wait!" he yelled after the guy, but it was too late. The fellow was gone. "What the hell..." he muttered, wondering who had it been. It was no one he knew, and he had told all his mates not to visit him here, he didn't want them to see him in here.

Later a nurse came to bring him lunch.

"The guy whose brother was in the crash, is he a thin blond guy? About my age, little shorter with blue eyes?". The nurse was silent, then sighed.

"Blue eye. But yes, he is. Why do you ask?" he grunted

"There was a guy behind my door earlier today."

"I see. How did he look?" he thought a for moment, trying to recall the exact details of the short moment.

"Tired. And really lonely"

"He wasn't smiling?" he frowned

"Why the hell would he be smiling? His brother just died for Christ sake!" damn the old people are dense he thought. The nurse shook her head

"Don't misunderstand. I wish he wasn't smiling. But he does. He doesn't show if the eyes is hurting. And no one has seen him crying for his brother." he huffed, he wouldn't cry in front of strangers either. No matter what. "That's not healthy. Speaking and letting bad feelings out help" he heard the rebuke in the words, but shrugged it off with a sarcastic 'yeah, right'. Then he ceased talking, and the nurse left, saying she would come pick up the tray later. He just grunted as a sign he had heard. He would definitely find out who the guy was. He wanted to know why the hell the guy game behind his door. And since coming so close, why not come inside just as well. There must be something the other wanted. And if something, he hated people who didn't try their bets to get what they want.

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hope someone liked.


	4. Chapter 4

so. little something again. sorry about..well. I was told not to call this bad. so I wait unitl someoen else does. but to all those who have reviewed, thank you so very much. those are the only reason I am still writing and trying with this. thank you. hope you enjoy this new piece a bit too.

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This time he caught him. The blond guy. He managed to caught his eye and by cheer will held him there, so he had time to gesture the guy to come in. Hesitantly, the guy opened the door. And stood in the doorway.

"Shut the door" the blond was about to step back out. "With you on this side idiot" reluctantly, the guy stepped back in and closed the door. But didn't come any closer than that. "I have seen you behind that door few times. Why and what do you want?" the guy looked around before looking at him. The blue eye was really beautiful. It was calming but very sad sight. He wished there would have been a pair of those. That would have balanced things. He shook his head, what was he thinking. "Well?" he glared the guy. And suddenly the guy smiled. It was so bright. And it looked so fake. No wonder the nurse noticed something was wrong too.

"I was just curious. You are here and I was wondering what is wrong with you." his eyes narrowed. He could hear that there was a lie in there, but there was some truth in it too.

"My hand doesn't work" he said and by grabbing the sleeve with his other hand yanked the hand up in the air. The guy paled a bit, but the smile stayed, and didn't even falter.

"Oh. Sorry" he shrugged

"It's not your fault" the blond looked at him, and this time the smile shook a bit. But the blond still held onto it. "If you don't feel like it, stop smiling, it's very annoying." the guy giggled airily

"Sorry." the guy looked at him curiously "What's your name?" he didn't really want to answer, but he wanted to know the guy's name, so what else to do?

"Kurogane" the guy smiled and tilted his head so the blond mob covered the eye with the bandage

"Hi Kuro-puu I'm Fai" he glared and snarled at the guy

"It's Kurogane stupid" the blond lifted a slender hand and shook a finger at him

"Don't talk like that. I don't think Kuro-pii is stupid at all" he growled at the blond, grabbed a pillow with his good hand and tossed it at the guy, who gracefully stepped aside so the pillow smashed onto the floor.

"Shut up you stupid idiot!" he yelled. Fai shook his head

"Calm down. That's not a way to behave in the hospital. You will hurt yourself." the guy picked up the pillow and walked to the bed. He watched this without saying a word. Up close, he could see the dark shadows under the pale guy's eyes. And there was slight frown on his face, trying to hide pain, he was sure of that.

"Shouldn't you worry about it more? Your eye looks painful" Fai placed the pillow on the bed and touched the bandage slightly. There was a smile again, not so cheery, but a bit bitter.

"It's nothing. Compared to everything else, it's the least painful thing" he looked at the guy, who looked a bit lost and hopeless.

"Hey.." he started saying, but the guy smiled brightly again and cut him

"I have to go now." then the guy moved to the door.

"You can come again, " he said when the guy opened the door. The blond looked at him over his shoulder and closed his eye with a little smile. Then he opened it again, glanced his hand and looked him straight in the eye for once.

"I'm sorry about your hand" then, the guy closed the door and walked away.

"I knew it..." the guy was the dead one's brother. He wasn't sure was the guy here to say sorry or make him be sorry for colliding with his brother. But he knew this wasn't the last time they talked.

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everything is appreciated. i thank you for your continued support. and to those who review this for teh first time, you are just as much valued. take care and see you later I hope


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